The Weight of the World On My Shoulders
by Charliepotter
Summary: Harry talks about life and Voldemort. Set in 7th year. Will have others points of views. Getting rather dark with occassional cussing. Please R&R. Still fit's with OotP. Real Chap 10 up!
1. Harry regarding himself

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, never have, never will. But I wish I did. Oh well, you win some you lose some.**

**CHAPTER ONE**

HARRY"S JOURNAL

People don't seem to see me for who I am.

Can't they see that I'm no hero?

I try my hardest just to be normal. But nobody wants me to be. I'm not sure where the whole Hero thing came from. So I lived through the killing curse, it's not even my fault; my mother was the one who died to save me. She was the one who really showed true bravery, she was the one who really vanquished Voldemort. 

But now he's back, making my life a living hell. I don't sleep, hardly eat, can't concentrate in class. God knows why they made me Head Boy. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve anything. Malfoy and Snape both say I'm only Head Boy and Quidditch Captain because Dumbledore feels sorry for "Poor little Potter". I never used to take any notice to their harsh words, but now I just can't help it. Their words cut into my soul like knifes. It's not easy being hated for something you didn't do and can't change.

I feel so alone, sitting here in a dark corner pouring my heart out to a book. Maybe when Voldemort kills me some one will read this and realise that I'm only human.

Only human, it's nice to think that, even though no one else does. According to Dumbledore I'm supposed to defeat Voldemort, he says it's written in the stars. Sounds like a bloody centaur. I'm not a hero. But still, nobody believes me when I say this, 'Mione replies with something like "Don't be silly Harry, one day you'll save us all then you'll see what a hero you really are." As you can see, I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders. I don't think its fair, expecting a 17 year old boy to defeat an experienced dark lord. But then again, life isn't fair, and anyone who says it is doesn't know what their talking about. So everyday I'm dragged off to train for the upcoming "fight for the light".

Ron came up with that name when I started my training in 6th year. He and 'Mione both said that they would stay with me until the end, always friends, always supporting me. It hurts to talk about that now. You see, ever since Ron and 'Mione started going out at the beginning of 7th year, I've felt like a 3rd wheel. At first they tried to include me in their little trips to Hogsmeade and such. But after a while they became too absorbed in each other to care about me. I know that sounds bitter, but it really hurts. To see them cuddled up on a couch talking quietly. I used to be with them, I used to have them, but now I have nobody. 

Sometimes I wonder when I started to feel like this. I've always been a bit sad; knowing that I had no parents always got me down. Then I came to Hogwarts, people treated me like some sort of saviour, and I hated it. Being worshipped or despised for nothing.

Of course, it got really bad in 4th year, when Ron blew up at me. That was one of the hardest times of my life, knowing that my very best friend was jealous of me. What do I have going for me? Nothing. And he, he has the one thing I've wanted my whole life, something I can never have, a family.

I don't reckon I'll live to have kids. I know that when Dumbledore sends me off to "fulfil my destiny" I'll get killed. I feel it in my bones. But nobody would care. They'd be lost for a while, having no hero would unsettle them. I think the realisation that I'm only human would shock everyone. But then, they'd move on, find someone else to be their hero. And none would remember the boy-who-lived-then-died-inspite-of-what-everyone-believed-would-happen.

Ok, so I sound like I'm wallowing in self pity here. I suppose I am. I bet no one would think that "the great Harry Potter" would ever think about just ending his life right then and there. Nah, he's too brave, bold, and courageous and all round wonderful to do that. Of course, they only think that because I'm the one their sending off to fight Voldemort. I hate my life.

But I won't give up. Even though I hate it, I'll still struggle through everyday. Until I meet my demise, I will put up the façade of being their hero; god knows they need some hope. Without hope worlds crumble. So I'll carry on. I'll be strong. I'll face my enemy, tall and proud, like my father. And I'll die at his hands, like my father.

I hope they give me a nice quiet funeral service. I've had enough fuss to last a lifetime, so in death, I hope they let me have my peace.

I better go now, Dumbledore says I have to try and get some sleep, as much as I possibly can. God knows I need it.

Well, Goodbye Journal.

Until next time,

-Harry- 


	2. Ron regarding Harry

**Disclaimer: Oh come on! Do I have to admit the worst possible thing in the world? And what is that you ask? I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER!**

Review thankyou time!!!! I love thanking all the groovy people who review! Its soooo . . . groovy! 

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**CHAPTER TWO**

RON'S P.O.V

Harry's been acting strange lately. I don't know why I didn't see it before. He's sitting alone in a dark corner of the common room at the moment. I think he's writing in his journal, you never can tell with Harry though. I remember when he got that journal, it was Christmas in 5th year, Hermione gave it to him, and she said pouring his heart out into something would help him.  

I only just realised that he wasn't sitting with us when 'Mione said something like "What's Harry doing over there? He never sits with us anymore". It's true you know. He doesn't sit with us. 

He looks so troubled, well you would wouldn't you? Having everyone's expectations shoved at you. I really don't know how he copes. He always looks so brave and determined. It's like he's not afraid or anything. I know he is though, anyone would be. Honestly, how could they make him go off and fight Voldemort? I mean, I know he's capable of doing it, but for god's sake! He's only 17! 17 is way too young to have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Bloody hell! I get stressed when I've left my homework too late or at exam times. And Harry, well, he's Head Boy, Quidditch captain, and the wizarding world's saviour, boy wonder and the list goes on... and on.

Frankly, I have no idea how I could have been jealous of him. I was you know, up until about mid way through 5th year. I always wanted what he had; fame, fortune, and respect. You'd think he'd have a big head from it all. Sometimes I used to will myself into thinking that he enjoyed all the attention so I could have a reason to resent him.  But really, Harry is the most selfless person to ever walk the earth. 

I know what he wants. I can't believe it took me so long to figure out that _he_ was jealous of _me_. You see, I have a family, people who love me, care for me, look after me. Harry's never had anything like that. It's awful to think back to when I wanted what he had. It really sunk in that I was the lucky one when I was woken up one night by Harry's screaming. He was obviously having a nightmare, and what looked to be a bloody bad one too. He was thrashing around on his bed, clawing at his scar. Then his eyes just snapped open. You could see the huge amount of pain in them. It was terrifying; he looked as if his very soul had been ripped right out of his body. I reckon that it was at that moment that I realised just how bloody lucky I really am.

He seems to have dreams like that a lot nowadays, perhaps once a week. I don't think he knows that I know about them. I think he thinks that he's hiding it really well, seeing as no one ever questions him about them. But god, we can all see the big black circles under his eyes. We see how his shoulders slump when he walks and the way he stares off into space during lessons. His face is always so pale, but somehow he still manages to look so damn resolved. Like he knows he has to do something, no matter how terrible that thing is. And we all know what he has to do, face Voldemort, alone.

As much as I hate to admit it, Harry and I have really drifted apart this year. I'm not entirely sure why that is though. Maybe it's because Hermione and I got together. I think he thinks that he's intruding when he's around us, that bullshit really. 'Mione and I want nothing more than to have our happy old Harry back with us. Just before we were talking about that, quietly of course.

Hermione thinks that he's got the same deadened look in his eyes as Sirius has when he first escaped from Azkaban. I think I agree with her. His eyes look empty, hollow and lifeless. It's kind of like he's seen some horrible things, things that no child should ever have to see. And of course he has. What, with fighting Voldemort year after year. And of course, seeing Cedric murdered in front of his eyes. That's got to do something to your stability.

Harry would never tall anyone if something was bothering him. He's always been like that, keeping his feelings all bottled up inside of him. And he thinks way too much on things. He still blames himself for Cedric's death when he could to have done anything to stop it. I reckon that one day he'll get to the stage where he started cutting himself, as horrible as that may sound; it's something Harry would do. Come to think of it, I might have seen something on his wrist the other day. You know, the boy really needs some serious attention. Maybe I'll talk to Hermione about it, she'll know what to do. 

Right, I'll stop analysing Harry now.

I should really start thinking about some happier topics, Harry's really depressing.

Yes, I'll stop now, but I don't think this'll be the last time that the mystery of Harry Potter pops up inside me head.


	3. Hermione regarding Harry

**Disclaimer: Are you really going to make me type out an endless list of all the things that I don't own in Harry Potter like Harry, Ron, Hermione, Malfoy, the Weasley's and every other aspect of it? No? Well, good. Hang on; I think I sort of did anyway. Oh well.**

**CHAPTER THREE**

Hermione's P.O.V

You know, I just don't know what to do about Harry. 

If Ron saw that sentence he'd laugh his head off, imagine, Hermione Granger not knowing what to do about something. 

I have a lot of pressure put on me you know? It's really hard to be expected to be the best. I've worked so hard to get where I am I too. Ever since first year I've been top of the grade, showing those purebloods just what a muggle-born can do! I know I know, not all purebloods think like that; the Weasley's are a great example of a non prejudice pureblood family. But some, like the bloody Malfoy's just make life as a muggle-born so damn hard. And again, if Ron was ever to read this he'd be completely shocked at my choice of language. As much as I love Ron, he really keeps me on a short leash. 

Anyway, back to Harry. I'm worried, no, that's an understatement. I'm really worried about him. He's always alone. And he never wants to talk to us. I believe that he thinks that we don't want him around, we being Ron and myself. I miss the old days so much. I miss sitting around the fire after classes and just talking or playing chess. I miss being so close to Harry, he was such wonderful company. No offence to Ron, but Harry was always a source of intelligent conversation. And even though he knew I wasn't really that interested in Quidditch that much he still made an effort to include me in his endless conversations with Ron about it.

As much as I hate to admit it I've always had a bit of a crush on Harry. At first it was a normal crush, you know, read all about the hero and fall deeply in awe of him. Then on the train to school I meet a scrawny little lost looking boy who turns out to be THE HARRY POTTER. I think I was taken with him right then and there, he looked so venerable, and he still does in my opinion. I don't have the type of crush that Ginny has on Harry. She still isn't past the whole hero thing. Actually, to be completely honest, I don't think I have a crush at all. I'm in love with him. Plain and simple. I've always been protective of him, but after the 3rd task in our 4th year, I realised that if I had lost him, I couldn't live. That sounds so melodramatic. 

I am not going to talk about how much I love Harry anymore. I am going to focus on what I started to write about. Yes, Hermione, you must focus.

Right, I'm very confused. Over the years Harry has become much more of a mystery. That's not all though; he's become reclusive and depressed. I know he's cutting himself. You can see the scars on his wrists if you look closely enough. I think it's my fault partly. In 6th year I taught him how to perform a simple healing charm to heal minor cuts and bruises. It still leaves scars with the deeper cuts so that's why he's got the marks on his wrists. I hate thinking about this; it makes me feel so guilty. And the guilt burns inside of me. I really should confront Harry about it but I know he wouldn't tell me anything. You don't realise how much it hurts to admit that. He's drifted so far away from me that he wouldn't confide in me anymore.  

And you know what really gets to me? No one else has noticed! Harry has pulled himself so far away from everyone who cares about him that no one has noticed what's happening. They all think he's fine, just nervous about his upcoming fight with Voldemort. And as to that! How dare they think that they can just send him off to fight! And on his own too! It's absolutely disgusting! And what enrages me even more is that there is nothing that I can do about it. If Harry doesn't want to resist or say no, then I have no place to comment. 

I was watching him the other night. Actually, I was supposed to be talking to Ron but my eyes kept drifting over to him. His face was screwed up with concentration and his dark eyebrows were knitted together. You wouldn't believe just how much Harry has changed physically in the last 3 or so years. I'm actually quite surprised, if you had seen Harry in his skinny days then looked at him now you would have trouble telling that it was the same boy. He's really shot up; he's about 6 foot now, maybe even taller. He shoulders have broadened and his chest has filled out. I don't think it was from Quidditch; even Quidditch couldn't change a person that much. His jaw line is lovely to look at; it's got a beautiful shape to it, a pleasant mix between round and square. Very manly, and very appealing. His hair is still as messy as ever though, but it suits him so well that Harry wouldn't be Harry without it. Most noticeable are his newly developed muscles. Oh dear, I sound like a giggling school girl, and my face has gone all red. I'll stop talking about how good Harry looks. If one was to read this one would think that I was dating Harry rather than Ron. 

Harry has become a very intimidating figure. He has an aura of power about him. If I didn't know him so well, I'd hate to meet him in a dark alley. But he doesn't try to be like that. We all see the way he walks, with his shoulders hunched over and his face down. But still, you wouldn't dare to pick a fight with Harry. I've seen him when he's angry. One time last year Malfoy insulted his family, and he got so mad, his eyes were smouldering. He drew himself up and seemed to let down a barrier that was shielding his true powers and it was like a huge pressure bearing down on all of the people in the hallway at that time. And Malfoy's face! If I wasn't so terrified myself I would have laughed. But other than when he's angry like that or incredibly hurt, Harry doesn't really show emotion. His eyes are devoid of it. It's scary, he doesn't laugh anymore. 

Right, well it's getting very late so I better put down my quill and go to sleep. Maybe I'll try to talk to Harry in the morning.

Well, goodbye for now my ever faithful diary.

Until I write again

~Hermione~ 


	4. Harry regarding Malfoy and other things

**Disclaimer: I wish I may, I wish I might, wish upon this star tonight; I wish I owned Harry Potter, but I don't. Oh well**.

**angel-heart****: **Why thankyou! I'm very happy that you think my fic is awesome. Keep reviewing!

**James:** And once again you review! Lovely! I'll try and keep the corniness out of this one.

**DanniBannani:** What a groovy review! I really love your comments! Oh and as if I'd mind about getting 2 reviews! It's fantastic! Thanks so much I really appreciate it.

**CHAPTER FOUR**

HARRY'S JOURNAL

I haven't been completely honest.

I'm a magus.

Not many people know this, actually, only Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall. Ron and Hermione don't know, even Mr and Mrs Weasley don't. I suppose that I had better explain. You see, it started on my 16th birthday; I was lying in bed trying to stay awake when I started to feel a burning sensation travelling down my spine. The next thing I knew, I was completely surrounded in a bright white light. Then everything went black. When I woke up I was in the hospital wing at Hogwarts with the headmaster bending over me. He smiled when he saw that I was awake and started to explain to me that I was a magus, the first in around 1000 years, since Godric Gryffindor in fact. He then went on to explain to me just what a magus was, and let me tell you, I was astonished. I now have the power to destroy the world in one blow, if I so chose. And if I thought that that was surprising, he began to explain just why I had the powers of a magus, it turns out that I am the only living descendant of Gryffindor. And of course at the end of my fifth year I found out that it was prophesised that either I would defeat Voldemort or he would defeat me. I don't see why Dumbledore couldn't have told me that when he told me about the prophecy. Maybe he thought that it would be too much at once. I mean, finding out that I'm the only one who can; not Dumbledore, me. And all I ever wanted was to be normal.    

I spent the rest of the summer at Hogwarts being taught how to contain my powers, to shield and guard them. Dumbledore says that I'm not allowed to tell anyone; even the ministry of magic can't know that I'm a magus. So now, everyday I have to make sure that my shields are up, so that no one can feel the pressure of my magus powers bearing down on them. I have slipped up a few times though. One time last year I was walking down the charms corridor when I heard Malfoy call out to me. I was so used to his comments that I just kept walking, then I felt something hit my shoulder. So I turned around only to see his pointy face sneering at me. I don't really remember exactly what he said; only that it was something about my parents. I felt my blood begin to boil and then I let part of my shields down. I must say, even though I hate having this responsibility shoved at me, I was highly amused at the expression on his face. Poor guy, he was scared shitless. But then again, so was everyone else in the hallway, including Hermione. Oh well, at least he left me alone for a while after that. 

But just before, I had another encounter with Malfoy. I think there's something wrong with him. It's like he needs my permission to hate me. Maybe it's because I don't hate him, I think he feels that he can only hate me if I hate him. But I don't, so he tries everything to get me to. 

I was walking past what I thought was an empty classroom when I heard noises coming from inside. So I stopped and slowly pushed open the door. Malfoy was inside and it looked like he had been crying. I stared at him for a few seconds before realising that I was doing so. When he finally noticed that I was there he sprung to his feet and came charging towards me. 

"What the hell do you want Potter, your little friends leave you all alone so you had to come snooping around after me?" he yelled

I don't remember what I said but it seemed to infuriate him even more so he jumped at me. He pushed me to the ground and started to beat his fists into my chest. Now, I'm quite glad to say that being a Magus has had its advantages, like the fact that I am now much larger and stronger than any normal person. Because of this I was able to throw him off me. But he just kept coming back, finally I realised that he wasn't going to stop until I hit him back, so I did, again and again and again. By the time I was finished he was kneeling on the ground with various cuts and bruises. Usually I'm not a violent person, but he had just pushed me too far. 

I stared down at him and said "Apologize"

He just looked at me with hate clearly showing in his eyes. "Tell me you hate me" he said.

"I can't" I replied.

"Why not? Scared of using such hard words Potter? I always knew you were weak" this would have sounded harsh if his voice was not shaking and his breathing was not laborious. 

"No, I can't because I don't" I'm actually quite proud of how calm I was at that moment.

"Don't what? He questioned

"Hate you" I replied "I don't hate you"

"Why not?" he asked

"Because it's beneath me, now apologize"

"Not until you tell me you hate me" 

"I told you that I can't" 

"Fuck off Potter!"

"Nice call Malfoy, never heard that one before"

He leant forward and spat a mouthful of blood at my feet. 

"That's what I think of your apology Potter, now fuck off"

"Your pathetic Malfoy" with that I turned and walked back to Gryffindor tower.

I made a detour to the prefect's bathroom to wash the blood off my knuckles. They were red and raw. I used the healing charm that Hermione had taught me some time last year, the same healing charm that I use on the cuts on my wrists. I bet if she knew I was using that charm to heal myself she'd feel really guilty for teaching it to me. But she doesn't, nobody does. I also healed the split lip Malfoy had given me. 

After my bathroom stop I headed back up to the tower. Being Head Boy has its advantages too, like the fact that I get my own room. I lay down and reached under my bed. I pulled out my journal and started to recount exactly what had happened with Malfoy. As you've probably guessed by now, that's what I'm still doing. 

I'm still confused though, and not only about the whole Malfoy thing. When I walked back through the portrait hole and into the common room, only Hermione was there. She said 'hello' and smiled at me but quickly buried her head back into the book she as reading. It's strange seeing her away from Ron's side. But that not the only strange thing; when I had just started to climb the stairs to my room the portrait hole swung open again admitting Ron. That's not unusual but what is is that Hermione didn't even notice, she was too busy staring in my direction with something that looked like longing. Unless of course I imagined it, which is highly possible, or more likely probable. But still, I'm really confused. 

Oh well, I think I've rambled enough for today.

Until I write again

-Harry-

A/N: The next chapter will be up soon and it will be in Malfoy's point of view, so something a little bit different. 

I also want to say get better to Ellie (Bobbit the Hobbit) and come back to school quick smart!


	5. Malfoy regarding Harry

**Disclaimer: I do not own Draco Malfoy. I do not own Harry Potter, or the Weasley's or Hermione Granger. But I do own a new pair of PJ's, mmmm, they are so soft.**

Time to thank my reviewers!!!

**DanniBannani****:** Thanks for reviewing! Sorry this chapter has taken longer than usual.

**James:** Ah, my ever loyal James! Thanks for reviewing my dear.

**Ellie:** My number one fan! I'm so glad you're not sick again! And thanks for becoming my beta.

**A:** Sheesh, you are so odd Annabel. Anyways, thanks for the review!

**_A/N: From now on my chapters will be checked over by my wonderful beta reader Ellie! So hopefully they won't have anymore silly little errors. _**

**CHAPTER FIVE******

MALFOY'S P.O.V  
  
I hate Harry Potter.   
  
Why you ask? I just do.   
  
There's really no explanation as to why I hate him as much as I do. I suppose it's a combination of many things; like how he snubbed me on our first train ride, or how he's favoured, or how everyone loves him. But mostly it's because I'm jealous of him. You just don't know how hard it is for me to say that, let alone write it down where anyone can read it.   
  
I'm jealous of the way everyone loves him, or cares for him. I'm jealous because he will never get pressured into becoming a Death Eater. I'm jealous because he's Head Boy. I'm jealous because he's a better Quidditch player than me. I'm jealous because he's so powerful. I'm jealous because everything he does is right and everything I do is wrong. I'm jealous because people see him as a saviour and I'm just the lowly Slytherin. I'm jealous because he has friends he can trust. I'm jealous because all the girls in the school are in love with him (and some of the guys) but mostly I'm jealous that I'm not his friend, and no matter what I do I never will be.   
  
It makes so damn angry! I can't help who my family are. I can't help it that I was placed in Slytherin. I can't help it that I was brought up to think all muggle-borns are scum. I have to act like that like a snobby rich boy. If I don't act like I hate muggle's then all the other Slytherin's will get suspicious and tell my father.   
  
I'm angry because I have a father who is going to make me give up my life to serve a disgusting thing that doesn't even deserve to be alive.   
  
I'm angry because I can't really hate him. Not really. I can't because he doesn't hate me. I can't because he's everything I want to be. He's brave and loyal. And I'm a coward. I've tried so hard to make him hate me. It'd make life so easy. Then I would have a reason to join the Dark Lord. But he doesn't. The only thing he hates is Voldemort. I think that's the only thing we have in common.   
  
I bet he'll never hate himself.   
  
I do, I always have. I hate myself because I'm too weak to stand up to my father. I hate myself because I'm too stubborn to go to Dumbledore and tell him that I know my father's a Death Eater. I hate myself because I'll never live up to the standards my father sets for me. I hate myself because no matter how good I am at something Potter is always going to be better. I hate myself because of the way people look at me. That's another thing I hate about Potter, the way he looks at me, he pities me, and I hate how I'm pitied. And I hate myself because of my inability to reach out for help. Merlin knows I need it.   
  
I never thought that I'd get to this stage, the stage where I can just get out a knife and dig it into the thing that I hate the most in the world, myself. I hate how I try to drown out the feeling of hopelessness that's settled inside of me with the pain that comes from cutting. I hate the fact that I love to see my own blood rising from the self-inflicted wounds. I hate how I can't stop. I hate myself because I know that precious little Potter would never harm his precious little self.   
  
I hate how he'll never feel like this. I hate how I always get dealt the short end of the stick. I hate the constant reminders that are left on my arms, reminders of just how much I hate myself. I hate the relief that comes over me when I do cut myself. I hate feeling like if I just cut a little deeper it'd all be over.   
  
I hate how I'm pressured to be the perfect malicious little Slytherin boy. I hate the fact that father has already chosen who I'm to marry. I hate Pansy Parkinson for being alive; I hate her because I don't love her. I hate how I've never felt love before. I hate how my father stopped my mother from loving me. I hate how Potter thinks that I'm a spoilt little brat when in reality I'm just an abused little shit.   
  
I hate how uncertain I am. I hate not knowing what's going to happen to me. I hate how I'm not in control of my life. I hate my father. I hate Voldemort.   
  
I hate Granger and Weasley. I hate them because, as much as I hate to admit it, they don't know how lucky they are to have Potter for a friend. I hate how they take him for granted. I hate watching them hang around with him and knowing I'll never have a friend like that. I hate knowing that I don't have any real friends. I hate how all my so-called friends are just replicas of their parents, the next generation of Death Eaters. I hate how I have to pretend to be like them.   
  
I hate how I always feel like I'm trapped. I hate having to find places where I can just go to cry. And I hate how Potter had to come along yesterday and see me. I hate knowing that he knows that I'm weak. I hate that I tried to hurt him. And I hate that I couldn't. I hate the fact that he doesn't hate me.   
  
I hate how no one will ever know the things that I am good at. I hate how no one would ever bother to ask what I like to do, or what music I like to listen to. I hate being a confused teenager. I hate my artwork because no one will ever see it. I hate the songs that I write because no one will ever hear them.   
  
I hate how much I hate. I hate it because it's ruining my life. Or what's left of my life anyway. I hate how it boils up inside of me. I hate the jealousy and the anger. I hate the hate. I hate how I can just list off so many things that I do hate.   
  
I hate seeing the way people see me.   
  
I hate being told that I'm useless because I believe it.   
  
I hate Harry Potter because he's everything I'm not   
  
I hate that I don't really hate him, not really.   
  
I hate how much I hate the world and all the injustices I've been dealt.   
  
But most of all, I hate myself; just for being who I am, and who I'm not.   
  


-Draco-


	6. Harry regarding interesting events

**Disclaimer: Nope . . . I still don't own this, and yes…I have been trying to bribe JK Rowling with my life savings of err $42 but for some reason she keeps saying that her characters are worth more than that…god knows why.**

Ah, now it's time for my favourite part of this fan fiction writing stuff; thanking my wonderful reviewers

Ok let me see . . .

**Celeste: **Merci Beaucoup, I'm very glad that you like how I'm doing this, it makes me swell with pride *swells with pride*, it is so fantastic to hear comments like yours . . . I hope you keep them up!

**pickle****: **Oh I am definitely keeping this fic up, it's probably my favourite. Thanks for reviewing

**GravityDrop: **Fanks, I'm awfully sorry that this chapter has taken so very long . . . surprisingly I have been busy lately . . . now isn't that odd

**Charliegirl: **Hee hee, my equal number one fan strikes again, thanks for the review, I'm very glad you like how I've done Malfoy . . . I hope you like this chapter.

**DanniBannani: **ok, so that has probably got to be my favourite review so far! You left some fabulous comments and compliments. I'm very happy that you enjoy this . . . I certainly enjoy writing this fic for people like you.

**The Amazing Snorkack**: Ah powerful, well I hope it's powerful. I'm glad you like how it's going and I'm sorry if I've disturbed you in any way. Let me just clarify something; not all 17 year olds cut themselves. I've written an explanation for why Harry's doing it in this chapter so I hope you read it. Thanks for the comments . . . I'll probably talk to you later anyways =)

Alright, enough of that, on with the chapter . . . the long long overdue chapter

A/N: Most of this chapter is written in a script like style so bear with me ok? It's sort of the only way I could really think to write this. And also when Harry's commenting on something that's happened during the script his thoughts/writings are in this ~blah blah blah~ type of thing . . . ok? Groovy.

**CHAPTER 6**

HARRY'S JOURNAL

What the hell have I done to deserve this sort of treatment?

What is it you ask?

Well, I came back from doing my Head Boy duties just before to find Ron and Hermione sitting on my bed waiting for me. I semi smiled at them and they sort of _grimaced_ back. So I sat down in my desk chair, turned to face them and asked what was wrong. Let me record just what they said.

Hermione: Harry, we know what you're doing to yourself and it's got to stop

Me: Oh really? And just what pray tell am I doing?

Ron: You're hurting yourself and you're shutting us out mate

Me: Oh am I? Well, I don't see how that's possible seeing as you rarely see me, let alone notice what I'm doing

Hermione: No Harry, you rarely see us, you're always shut up in here or huddled in a corner. _We_ see you

Me: Whatever, you guys can go now ok?

Hermione: No, not until we've said what we've come to say

Me: And just what is that?

Ron: You have to stop deliberately hurting yourself, and not just mentally, physically too

~I remember swallowing uncomfortably at that~

Me: Physically, what do you mean?

Hermione: We know you're, you're  . . . cutting yourself

~She turned her head away and whispered the last part

My insides turned to ice, how did they know that? I keep it well hidden~

Me: How do you know?

Ron: Mate, we saw the marks, we do notice these things

Me: What's it to you anyway, it's not like either of you cares

Hermione: For god's sake Harry! Of course we care! You think we're just going to sit back and let you mutilate yourself? What kind of friends do you think we are?

Me: What I do is none of your concern. Can't you see that I just want to be left alone? Can't you see that I'm giving you two your space? Don't you think you should give me mine?

Ron: Not if it drives you to cutting yourself. Harry, I hate what you're doing, I want to know why though, why are you doing this?

Me: I'm doing this to take away the emotional pain I feel. I'm doing this as an escape Ron. I'm doing this because it's what I deserve. I deserve all the pain I can get. God knows how much pain I've caused everyone else

Hermione: The only pain you've ever caused us is this Harry, this distancing and self mutilation. It's tearing us apart! Can't you see that this has got to stop!? You don't deserve any pain, you haven't ever given anyone else any. Why do you think these things?! Your parents didn't give their lives so that you could destroy something that they made; they gave them so that you could live, live and be happy. They gave them so that you could make others happy. Don't you see that?

Me: See what?! All I see is how miserable I make people

Ron: That's bullshit. You're making people miserable now though, their miserable because you are. What will it take to show you that when you're happy we are? Seeing you like this is destroying us.

Me: This is the only way I can deal with everything

Hermione: No it isn't. You need help; you can't try and hold the world on your shoulders. You need a release sometimes. You need our help

Me: I don't need your fucking help! I need to be left alone! Don't you know what I have to face?! Do you think that I'm not scared shitless? How do you think you would cope if you were told that you were the only one who could defeat Voldemort? Or that you would have to either murder or be murdered, no choice in the fucking matter! Of course I have the weight of the fucking world on my shoulders. But I didn't put it there, this isn't my choice. Fate, for some sick reason, decided that I would be the one, the only one who would be able to do this stupid fucked up job!  I'm trapped! I can't freaking top myself because then the whole bloody world would die. So I go on, everyday, just so the rest of the world can live. But I need a release, don't you see, don't you understand? Please understand, please

~I was begging for them to see it way but they remained stubborn~

Ron: No Harry, all we see are the marks on your arms and the bags under your eyes. We see the way you slouch along and the way you avoid everyone. We see the permanent grimace on your face and how you're slowly breaking down. Not once have I seen you smile sincerely this year, not once. What's happened to you? Where have you gone?

Hermione: Ron's right Harry, you have gone. You've left us. But we need you; we need the old Harry back. You're so strong Harry, so strong. Please come back to us.

~ I stood up and turned my head away so I couldn't see her tears. I hated the way my heart ached and how I longed to hold her and tell her that I was there. How I wanted to brush her tears away and tell her that I would always be there, always beside her. But I couldn't. She has Ron; she doesn't want me to stay beside her for always. She wants me back to make her and Ron's life easier, no more worrying about delusional old Harry~

Me: I don't think I can Hermione, I think I'm too far gone

Hermione: No you're not Harry, you're not. Not while you have us. For god's sake! Don't you dare give up!

Ron: You can't let this happen mate. We need you, you can't break down

Me: You know that I'd never, well; I'd never actually kill myself. I couldn't, then the whole world would die

Hermione: Oh but you are Harry. You're slowly but surely killing your very soul. And you can't live without your soul, not really

~I was silent, completely speechless. They both sat there staring at me. I wanted them to go. I needed to be alone~

Me: please go, I need time to think, just, just go

Hermione nodded and led Ron out of my room.

When she shut the door I collapsed. I remember just falling to the floor in a heap. I remember sobbing because I knew that they were right. I stayed in a crumpled heap crying for a while, my shoulders shook with great heaving sobs as I lay there gasping for breath.

My eyes are still glassy and sore from crying. I've never cried like that before. Not even when Sirius died. I s'pose that it's built up so much over the years, that when the dam finally burst, it burst big time.

And so I'm currently lying on my bed on my stomach writing all this down. It helps a lot to write things down. It's like I have my very own pensieve this journal, something I can use to sift through my thoughts. I guess I started this entry sounding awfully angry. I s'pose I was, but I'm not now. Now I realise that they were just trying to help. But I'm so confused; this year has been so hard. I've been avoiding people all year, I've had so many responsibilities thrust at me and I've even had Malfoy throw himself at me and demand to know why I don't hate him.

Actually, that's another thing I've been pondering. Maybe I should try and confront him. He seems to be just as screwed up as I am.

There, I admitted it; I am one hundred percent screwed up

Well, I guess that since I admitted that I should admit my other deep dark secret.

Here goes, I am completely and hopelessly in love with Hermione Granger

I hope to god that Ron never reads this.

I still think that when I die someone will find this journal and publish it. It'll be called "A glimpse into the mind of The – Boy – Who – Was – Severely – Screwed – Up"

Alright, I've had enough wallowing for now

I'll write again soon

As always –Harry-  

TBC . . . 

A/N: Wasn't that nice and, err, depressing/annoying/odd/just plain err I dunno. Well whatever you thought it was how about you put it into a review *hint hint* fankyou very much!


	7. Hermione regarding 'the confrontation'

**Disclaimer: No luck on the black mail yet…in other words…I still don't own anything…well I do…I have some really cool pj's…but that's it…**

OOOOO I get to thank everyone for reviewing now!!!! Jolly good and on with the show…or thankyou's…or…whatever

**Aislin-Black**: Wow is such a cool word. That was a very groovy review. Thankyou so much for your comments, they are so very welcome and very much appreciated. I actually cried whilst writing chapter 6…it was really weird…I kinda DID feel all the emotions that I tried to convey in that chapter…so it's absolutely fantastic that you think that it sounds like I do feel them…because I sort of do…you know? Anyway, thanks heaps!

**GravityDrop**: I hope I didn't depress you! I mean, it's great that the feeling that that chapter was supposed to have came through but I don't want to depress anyone. Oh but I do love getting reviews like this!!! Thanks so much, you know, you are a really great reviewer! Thanks!

**Koll**: Why thankyou! I am definitely keeping this dark and sad. Dark and sad are good to write. I love writing dark and sad. I should shut up. Ok, thanks heaps and heaps and heaps for the review!

**marina**: Oh no, you made yourself perfectly clear. I'm really happy that you like the style that this is written in. I think it fits the story and I definitely didn't want to go novel length and bore everyone senseless. Thanks for the comments and the review!!

**elle**: You want more Draco? Duh elle, I was planning on more Draco. And I have so updated "Deepening Darkness"! Well, you'll just have to read this chapter now for compensation 'cause the Draco bits aren't coming for a while. Thanks for reviewing my most wonderful number one fan!

**The Amazing Snorkack**: You are very clever…very clever. I am not giving anything away but all I'll say is that you are very clever and on the right track. Ok, so I basically gave it away anyways. Thanks for the review!

Alright then! Now that I have finished thanking all you fabulous people I shall proceed to actually get on with the chapter…getting on…still getting on…

A/N: Before I do get on with it *ducks flying objects* I have to say that I am sorely missing my equal number one fan **charliegirl**, where are you?

**CHAPTER 7**

Hermione's POV

Well, our talk with Harry didn't quite go as planned, actually, we got what we wanted . . . just not in the way we wanted . . . let me fill you in . . . 

I haven't written in here for the past two days because I've been awfully busy. You see, two days ago Ron brought up the subject of just how deep Harry's depression is. He asked me if I had seen the scars and fresh cuts on his wrists. What was really shocking about his question was that he had to have actually been observing Harry closely to have noticed that. That told me that he was seriously worried.

Ron is a . . . how to put this . . . a semi apathetic person regarding these kind of matters. He prefers to leave them alone. He thinks that problems like depression just disappear in time. Having him voice his concerns and ask me about mine was quite unexpected.

Anyway, we talked all about our observations of Harry's behaviour. After a long discussion where I even had to explain the meaning of 'reclusive' to Ron (how he's passed all these years is beyond me) we finally came to the conclusion that Harry was in need of some serious help. We both decided to see Professor Dumbledore about him. Since the end of fifth year Harry and Dumbledore have seemed much closer, almost like they share a Grandfather to Grandson relationship. Because of this we wanted to talk to him and try and find out if he knew what was wrong. So we did. I know the password to Dumbledore's office because I'm Head Girl so we had no trouble finding him. Finding out what was wrong was a different case though. Dumbledore obviously knew but the only thing he said was to ask Harry ourselves.

Well, that's just what Ron and I did. We waited in his room for him to come back from his Head Boy duties. When he got there he was clearly surprised to see us. He gave a twisted sort of half smile and all Ron and I could do was grimace back. That obviously tipped him off that something was wrong. And so he asked what was up and we told him.

You know, I don't think my heart has ever ached that much before.

He looked so tormented. There was a smouldering pain blazing in his eyes. It was scary.

He said some horrible things to us. He said that we didn't care and that we never noticed him. If only he knew that he's the centre of my sodding universe! I bloody love him more than life its bloody self! I love him so much that sometimes it actually hurts; it's like a smarting pain in my chest. It hurts because I know that he'll never love me back, well, not like I love him. I hate that. I hate it so much. If only he knew. If I only I had the bloody nerve to tell him. Maybe then he'd let me back in. I hate so much that he's shut us out. He needs us! We need him!

I need him.

And so, we argued with him about how we do care. And we listened to him rant and it tore me to pieces. It was probably the most excruciating experience I have ever been through. His voice shook with a pain I could never even dream to imagine. He was trembling all over and his eyes were just . . . just indescribable.

Imagine that! Me, Hermione Granger is for once at a loss for words. Well sometimes words can't convey the right meaning. That's the case here; no words could ever describe the look in his eyes.

I'm really quite glad that we did talk to him though. I think that he really needed to let it all out. He told us how he felt with an anger I have never seen Harry possess. Not even the summer before fifth year when he exploded at Ron and me. The words that he used were, well, under any other circumstance I'd say disgusting but they seemed to help him emphasise his point.

At one point he stood up and turned away from us. That was after I asked him, no begged him, to come back to us as the old Harry. My eyes were streaming with tears at that time. Even Ron had a solitary tear rolling down his freckly cheek. I have never once seen either Harry or Ron cry before, never. I think Harry turned away for two reasons. One so that he couldn't see our tears and two so that we couldn't see his.

He flatly refuses to fully show his emotions when he needs to so much. His dark thoughts are tearing him apart. They're like a cancer growing inside of him, spreading through his mind and destroying everything he used to be.

He told us that he'd never kill himself because that would doom the rest of the world. How very selfless. But he doesn't realise that he is killing himself. Not physically of course. No, he's killing himself emotionally. He's destroying his soul, tearing apart the very essence of himself. It's really not that reassuring when he says he'd never kill himself because the world's relying on him. Basically he's saying that if it wasn't then he would kill himself. I can't think like that. I can't think like that.  I can't think like that. I can't think like that. 

I can't think like that. 

I'm so damn angry! He's so stupid if he thinks he can hold the world on his pathetic teenage shoulders! Doesn't he see that he has to share the burden? It's not possible for one person to do that. He'll break his back if he continues to try and hold the world up. Why can't he see that? Why can't he see that he has people willing to take some of the load? I would willingly take it off his back completely. I know that can't happen. Ad why can't it happen? BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID PROPHECY THAT A MAD OLD BAT MADE EIGHTEEN YEARS AGO!!!!

I can't believe it. It can't be true. It just can't be. But I know it is. Dumbledore would never make a mistake like that.  He'd never burden Harry with something like that if there was a chance it wasn't true. He loves him too much to do that.

I love him too much to let him suffer the way he is. I'm going to have to gather up my Gryffindor bravery and tell Harry straight up that I love him more than anything else in the world and that I will no longer stand for him suffering like he is. It's just not right. I won't let it happen. I'll make him let me in even if I have to physically force him to! I'll slap him silly. I'll kick him till he cries. I'll punch him till he's putty. I'll snog him senseless.

That was not supposed to be one of my "Make Harry Let Me Back In" tactics . . . but then again, desperate times call for desperate measures.

Oh god I hope Ron never reads this diary. I feel guilty enough harbouring secret feelings for Harry when I'm still going out with Ron. I really should tell Ron about it. I don't know how he'd take it.

I hate my life at the moment. It's so confusing. No it's not; it's crystal clear but so painful and hard to deal with.

I can't belie I just contradicted myself in my diary.

Do you see how pitiable I am?

Oh god.

I'm going to stop writing now before I do something even more stupid like write a double negative!

Oh god I'm so very pathetic

I think I should go and check on Harry to see if he's alright.

I'll add another entry soon.

Love always

~Hermione~

TBC . . . 

A/n: Hey! Hmmm, I hope you liked that…an insight into the workings of Hermione's brain and how she thought 'the confrontation' went. Be the wonderful people you are and review!!! Thanks for reading! 


	8. Malfoy regarding just how messed up he i...

**Disclaimer: I have now saved up around . . . err . . . $65 . . . the bribery is going well yet for some reason JK just wont sell me Harry Potter . . . it's only a matter of time though.**

Ok, seeing as I have finished with that evil thing called a disclaimer I am now going to thank my most fantastic little reviewers . . . I luff you guys . . . you all rock so much.

**GravityDrop: **Nope, this chapter is not in Ron's POV . . . actually Ron won't be for a while. And as for the fight against good old Voldie . . . well you'll just have to wait and see now won't you? Thanks for the review . . . I love questions! 

**aniolek: **Oh I love getting people hooked! It's so much fun! I also love that you like my story. I'm honoured and completely humbled that you think my writing is brilliant . . . that is such a lovely compliment. As for Harry and Malfoy, well there will be much development between them (no slash by the way). I'll try to keep my grammatical errors to as few as possible. Thanks for a fantastic and very informative review! 

**Aislin-Black: **Once again I have to say that this is one bloody groovy review. I'm so happy that you like this story, it makes me very proud. Your comments are brilliant, thankyou so much for your review. I can't tell you if Hermione will tell Harry so you'll just have to keep reading to find out ;)

**charliegirl2: **I have a new chapter! It's been a while though. I hope I don't make you cry with this one . . . well, it would tell me that I got the emotions across so maybe I do sort of I hope I make you cry . . . but that sounds evil. Oh well, I hope you like this. Keep up the great reviews my groovy equal number one fan.

**PhoenixPadfoot89: **Updating! Thanks for the review, I hope you keep going. Reviews are so groovy . . . reviewers are so groovy too! Thanks heaps dude!

**DanniBannani: **OOO another great review! You and GravityDrop are such great reviewers! Such fantastic comments, makes me so happy. I'm glad you like my story, I like it too. Have I told you, you rock lately? Well you do! Thanks for the review! 

**The Amazing Snorkack: **Hello! Thanks for the review, don't worry, you haven't killed my plot, well not yet anyway. HAHAHA. Thanks for reviewing, hope the monkeys are treating you well!

Great Scott that was fun! I just wrote all my thankyou's while listening to Elvis, I'm sure there all very err, well let's just not go there.

A/N: Sorry times 100000 that this has taken a while to get up; I've been so very lazy lately. I'm kicking myself for not updating anything for ages. Don't kill me if I take ages for the next chapter, I have just gone back to school and it's very annoying at the moment so I'm a little bogged down but I swear I'll try to update ASAP. Great now on with the show!

**CHAPTER 8**

MALFOY'S POV

I've come to the conclusion that my life just isn't worth living. Yes that's a very dramatic statement but I truthfully mean it. I don't see the point of continuing. Every time I look into the mirror I see a younger version of my father staring gauntly back at me, reminding me everyday of what I will eventually become. I try to talk myself out of it but there is no way I can stop the unstoppable. Believe me, I've thought up a heck of a lot of options to stop myself becoming a death eater and none, I repeat none of them will possibly work, especially turning towards the light side, looking for allies there to save me from my father and his fucked up master. No, no one would help me in the light side, I've personally stuffed up any chance of being accepted by the. If I tried to run to them they'd send me packing, they wouldn't trust me. I don't blame them either, I mean, I've done some bloody awful things to the people on their side. For example; being one of the bane's of Harry Potter's life really doesn't help me in the acceptance department. Frankly, I've given myself one screwed up reputation at this school. Everyone thinks I'm the dark, evil Slytherin Prince of maliciousness. They think I'm a misogynistic, sadistic bastard who takes pleasure in berating people and toying with girls emotions. They think I'm the over confident, self assured prat my father brought me up to be. Well, it wasn't only my father; my mother fed a lot of bull shit about bloodlines and upholding family honour into me as well. I have the most fucked up evil, heartless wacko's for parents. My father is some power crazy psycho's lackey willing to do all his dastardly bidding and my mother's a crazy pureblood obsessed megalomaniac with nothing better to do than plan my marriage to Pansy "pug" Parkinson. 

Not to mention my father is an escaped convict with a "dead or alive" reward on his head.

Because of all this I have decided that my life is not worth continuing. I think I should just end it now and be done with all the crap the life throws at me.

I need saving. I'm slipping away and I think that only one person could ever bring me back to life.

Harry Fucking Potter

Yes I know I've said how much I hate the bastard, ok, how much I hate that I have no grounds to hate him on. But he is seriously the only one who can save me from myself, my parents and my fucked up future. He is the light sides golden boy. He's never been blinded by bloodlines or backgrounds. He's fair and willing to give people a chance to redeem themselves. If I could just get him to listen to me then I may be able to convince him that I'm not just an evil Slytherin, that I'm a human being who needs to live my life the way I want to, not the way my parents plan for me to live it. I want to fight for the things I believe in, not the things I've had fed into me since I was born. I want to show them that I don't think mudbloods even exist. I want them to know that I detest the dark lord and I hate my bastard father too. I want the world to see me as someone worth giving the time of day to. I want to be respected for being a good person rather than because people are so fucking scared of my family that they feign respect. 

I want a second chance.

I know it's my fault that people think horrible things about me. It's my fault because I had a choice. I could have chosen to rebel against my father before I was portrayed as a slimy Slytherin git. There was a time when I believed my parents drivel about bloodlines, I thought I was superior and my father was proud of that. But it changed, how I'm not too sure, but my views on life really did change.

I want people to know I'm not my father.

As I was saying, Harry Potter is the only one who can help me. I want to show him who I really am, that I've really changed, that I want to help him in his cause.

He has most likely got the worst opinion of me out of anyone else in this godforsaken institution. I have not once given him any clue to what I feel and it's going to be very hard to start now. But I do have a slight slither of hope, I have hope because I know that he truthfully that he doesn't hate me. There is hope that I can prove myself to him. He will listen to me, I know it. I know because I think that he has some of the same thoughts and feelings as me. I think that he wants the world to see him as he is, just like me, he wants to prove himself as Harry, not Harry Potter, like I want to prove myself as Draco, not Draco Malfoy. He would understand my hatred for the dark side. He knows what my father's like. He knows what it's like to live with Voldemort looming over you, even though for different reasons. The maniac's out to kill Potter but he wants to recruit me, ironic really.

I really need him though. He's my only hope.

I would love to see the expression on his face if he ever found out that Draco Malfoy said that about him. It would be absolutely priceless. But then he'd probably get angry that yet another person was depending on him. He knows the world depends on him. It must be an awful burden to bear. I can't imagine how it would feel to have the entire wizarding world relying upon you to destroy a terrifying force of evil. How he deals with the pressure surpasses my imagination.

I'm so lost. I'm so fucking helpless. I need aid.  I need real trust placed in me. I need my parents' expectations to be blown into oblivion. I need to live. I need to be my own person, to live as me. I need to escape from my emotional shackles.

I hate crying. I hate how this affects me. I hate way too much. I have that tell tale tingle in the back of my eyes and my nose that's demanding for me to release my tears, to tear down my floodgates and just let go, begging me to come back to life, to feel and to be real. To build my courage and get down on my knees and beg for assistance 

I can feel myself slipping into a mortifying black hole.

Someone has to help me

Please

Please

Oh god

Please don't leave me out in the night

Bring me back into the light

Wash away my bloodstains

Dry my eyes of all tears shed

Break away my dark shell

Bring me back to life

Give me hope,

Hope that comes in the form of someone who considers me as nothing but an enemy.

I'm losing site of the point of life.

Take me away

-Draco-

A/N: I hope you enjoyed that!!! Please leave a review to tell me how it went . . . I was a little shaken up writing this. I'm also going to post this without re reading it through and checking for spelling errors 'cause I just can't be bothered at the moment. I promise I'll go through it and fix them all up but I'm too tired and I just want to stop my guilty feeling by posting this already! Argh! Ok ta ta until my next instalment. It shouldn't be too long in the coming. 

Right then, I'm signing out now

CharliePotter


	9. Ron on Life, Love and Jealousy

**Disclaimer: Hmmm . . . Rowling sure drives a hard bargain . . . I just can't afford to buy Harry Potter of her . . .**

Well, now I must thank all my patient beyond belief reviewers . . . have I told you you rock yet? Well you all rock.

**Aislin-Black: **Hey, thanks for the review; I'm glad I'm making you feel sorry for Draco, that's exactly what I want people to feel. 

**PhoenixPadfoot89: **You'll have to wait and see if Harry saves him. *Cough* err . . . yes; my updating soon sorta didn't happen did it? Sorry about that. Thanks for reviewing!

**The Amazing Snorkack: **Crazy girl, I haven't talked to you in ages! And I can not write better than you and you know it! Everyone, go read The Amazing Snorkack's stories!

**Kim13: **I am writing more dear, thanks for the review, tis greatly appreciated!

**Elle: **You better be treating that pic of Snape well Elle or I shall have to whack you with saucepans! Thanks for the review though.

**Charliegirl2: **Heh, don't kill me . . . I tried to update soon! I swear I did, I've been insanely busy *ducks tomatoes*. Thanks for the comments though, it's all good.

**Gravitydrop: **Of course Harry will be happy . . . eventually . . . you just wait and see! Thanks for reviewing dear.

**DanniBannani: **Meep! Thanks! What a fantastic review! Ahhh, its people like you who make writers truly happy. 

**Ashley: **Oooo, does that mean I have talent? I'm honoured. Thanks for reviewing, I'll check out the site you gave me.

**Black Jaguar12: **Hmmm . . . is that an extraordinarily sized bus over there? No wait . . . that's my ego! He he, thanks for one groovy review! It means a lot to hear your thoughts on my story, especially since they are so wonderful.

**lilypotterfan: **Shall keep updating if y'all keep reviewing! Thanks!

**Cherrychica89: **Well woot to you too! Thanks for the great review!

**A/N: Right, let me just say this . . . if you kill me I can't write more. That is all. Actually it's not, I have to apologise for the wait, I'm a bum. **

**Chapter 9**

Ron Again

I told myself I would never ever get jealous of Harry again. I swore on the lives of my family and my friends and myself. I promised I would never see green when he was around or even just thinking about him. I crossed my heart and hoped to die if I betrayed that promise. Do you think it's possible for me to take it back? Will lighting strike me down from above if I go back on my word? Will there be swooping vultures awaiting my carcass because I broke a solemn swear never to envy my friend? Will the lives of my family and friends be jeopardised because I was so selfish that I thought badly of a saint? How can I look at myself in the mirror everyday knowing what an awful person I am? Is it possible for anyone to loathe themselves as much as I do? Will my guilt never end?

I saw her looking at him today. She had that look on her face she always reserves just for him. It's like all the worry melts away to be left with only adoration and pity. She loves him, I know it. I think I always have. I was just fooling myself thinking I could keep her. I mean, who'd take Ron Weasley over Harry Potter? Harry might not know it but he's what every girl wants. He's the so called epitome of perfection. I really hate feeling like this. I hate knowing that I envy someone who had nothing I could possibly want or need . . . yet. It's only a matter of time before she decides to tell him. It's only a matter of time before he scoops her up in his arms and embraces her undying unconditional love. I shouldn't begrudge him that; I shouldn't want to keep her to myself. I shouldn't want him to suffer a life without love. But I do. I want her to stay with me, to hold me, to love me. I want her to want me and only me. I want him to find someone else to love him. I want him to leave her to me. I'm so selfish. He deserves her. He loves her. He needs her. He's obviously in love with her just as much as she is with him. Only they're both to blind to see it. Do they really think they can hide something like that from me? Do they think I'm so conceited that I don't see what goes on around me? I've known them for nearly seven years now, there's no way I can't tell their emotions.

It really hurts inside. It hurts that they are too afraid of how fragile I am to tell me that they love each other.  Maybe if they did I could accept it easier. Maybe it being out in the open with no chance of denial would help me move on. I really do love her, and I have no doubt that she loves me too, just not as much as him. He's her saviour. In her eyes he can do nothing wrong. I love them both but they treat me like I know nothing of feelings, of love of pain and longing. I know pain and longing like the back of my hand. Pain comes with longing. In my case it's the pain of heartache resulting from a longing to be loved by a girl who is clearly in love with my best friend. I really hate that.

I'm slipping back into my old ways. I used to be so jealous of him. I thought he had everything I could ever want. I know now that he doesn't. I know I have everything that he wants. I know I have the one thing that would make is life worth living, the missing piece of the great and almighty Harry Potter, saviour of the Wizarding world and heart throb to boot. And you know what? I don't want to give it to him. If he had her I know, I'd bet my very existence in this world, that I would slip right back into hating him for having more than me. I could never truly hate him, never truly wish ill of him. But I know that I'd hate the fact that he had something of mine. I already hate the fact that that person wants to be with him rather than me. Life is just one big knock done after the other.

When I look at him now I not only see a suffering but loyal and brilliant friend, I see an opponent, some one to hate, some one to want out of the way just to make life easier. I hate myself so much for thinking that but I can't help it. I can't help wanting him to go away and leave me and her be. I want him to leave us alone and stop being so attractive to her. I want her to ignore him and focus on how much I love her and always will rather then focusing on how much she loves and needs him. I hate her for it. I hate her for being the kind and loving and gentle person that she is. I hate her for being smart and beautiful and caring. I hate how he sees all that in her and possibly more making him just like me. I want him to see her as a friend, nothing more.

Haven't I been in his shadow for long enough? Isn't it my turn to get the girl? How can he let himself torture me like this? He could have his pick of any girl in the school and more! But he has to want the one I have, he has to make her want him too. I know I'm being unfair but I just love her so much that it hurts to think that in only a matter of time she won't be mine to hold, to kiss, to love. It almost makes me hope he doesn't come back from fighting Lord Voldemort, almost.

A/N: well, that was rather short wasn't it? Liked it? Didn't like it? Not too sure what to think? Let me know in a lovely little review (doesn't have to be little). Oh and if there are any typos etc. I really don't care right now 'cause it's 1:33am and I am soooo tired it's awful but I just want to get this posted. I'll fix em later.

Oh. And I need a beta reader for my fics so if anyone wants to volunteer just give me some info on what kind of beta you'd be and I'll get back to you. Yeah, so just email. Thanks!!!

Signing off and in dire need of sleep, Charliepotter.


	10. Harry regarding darkness

**Disclaimer: Do. Not. Own. Anything.**

**A/N: Heh . . . erm . . . sorry? I erm . . . I got kidnapped by pirates who took me onto their monstrous ship and sailed with me to the ****Caribbean**** where we pillaged and plundered for um . . . 2 months. Then I came back home and err . . . went to ****Sydney**** for Christmas! I did really go to ****Sydney****. But um yeah . . . sorry?**

**Black Jaguar12: **Thanks dude! I love reviews that are a good size and actually comment on the story/chapter! Keep rocking my socks by reviewing!

**Airealataiel: **Here is more for your ummm . . . well I wouldn't say enjoyment. Hehehe. Thanks for the review! Hope you like this chapter…

**JamesLupinBlack****: **Nice thing that you love my story deary! I certainly don't . . . it annoys me. Oh well. Thanks for the review! Did you get mine?

**charliegirl2: **Merci beaucoup! Good to hear from you! I do like what I did with Ron in the last chapter, it sort of made me on his side too. Not anymore however! Heh, hope you like this chapter . . . has been a loooong time coming. Hmmm…

**DanniBannani****: **Thankies!!! Good to hear from you too! Hehehe. I think I've lost all notion of what 'soon' means. Oh well! =)

**CHAPTER TEN**

HARRY'S JOURNAL

Life sucks, it really does. I don't want to keep up this stupid pointless façade of my being calm. Everyone I care for obviously already knows I'm tearing myself to pieces inside. God I hate myself. Do you honestly think I want to be who I am? I don't want to be the clichéd depressed teenager. I hate all this angst and pain. But how can I get rid of something that's already a part of me? Something that's embedded itself deep into my soul? I'm just a bloody moronic hate driven loser who can't even think straight anymore. I know I said I wouldn't wallow anymore but what else can I do? I had a horrible screaming fight with Hermione this afternoon. She told me that I was a self absorbed self loathing arsehole. I've never actually heard her swear before so that came as a shock just as much as her comment did. It's odd that she's suddenly decided to take the big step into trying to force me to stop hating myself. Only a week ago she and Ron were trying to patiently help me through all this anger. She's obviously given up already. I don't blame her either, I'd give up on me too if I were her. Actually, I'd give up on me if I were anyone. It's so clear to me that I haven't a hope in the world of being . . . I don't know, happy again I guess. You know, I don't think I can even recall the last time I was truly and purely happy. I don't even really know when all this started actually. I'm not really clear on anything anymore. I just . . . I just want to be left alone so I can think about what I have to do. I need time to clear my head and set things straight. I need to build up my, er . . . so called 'courage' and tell Hermione how I feel.

Yeah yeah, I know nothing will come of it except my utter embarrassment when she tells me she doesn't feel the same. It's so very evident that's she's head over heels for Ron. I guess maybe I'd feel a lot freer if I did tell her. Maybe I'd feel like a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders allowing me to see things more clearly. I really don't know. It's, hard, to say the least when I think about this sort of thing. It . . . I dunno, it makes me . . . overly depressed. It's the type of feeling that makes my hands shake and my eyes sting. It's like hot knifes of pain driving into my being. It's like . . . an emotional cruciatus curse being placed on my heart.  I don't begrudge Ron for loving Hermione, he deserves her after all. But I would like to tell her that I love her, you know, before I go off and face my 'destiny'. It'd be nice to die knowing that she knew how much she means to me. It'd make me . . . happy I guess. Yeah, that'd be nice, dying happy. At least that'd make old Voldie as bloody miserable as I am. He'd be thoroughly pissed off knowing his 'arch nemesis ' died happy at his hand. 

I know I talk about dying a lot nowadays but it's sort of hard not to when death is looming over my shoulder all day everyday. Yes, I know I'm a magus and all that crap but it's not really that helpful. It's like this, my erm . . . 'powers' so to speak aren't a constant thing. They show up when I'm feeling extreme emotions, like pure hatred or pure hurt . . .or pure love. But ever since the beginning of this year I haven't really been feeling any pure emotions, mixed for sure but not something strong enough to call upon to defeat Voldemort. All I feel these days is hate for myself and a bunch of other depressing things. It's hard to convey just how lost I feel sometimes. 

Let me try to explain. Sometimes it feels like I'm not a part of this world. Sometimes it's like I don't belong here, like I'm an outsider looking in on this skinny miserable teenagers hate for himself and his obligations. Everyday I feel more like my life force is slipping through my fingers. It's almost like trying to cup water in your hands, eventually its going slip through the cracks in your fingers. I'm not sure but it seems like my . . . essence is escaping me. 

_* A darkness grows inside me_

_In fading shades of grey_

_All the colours of the world_

_Are slowly sucked away*_

I don't want to feel like this, like I'm dying inside. Sometimes it's just so hard to get up in the morning. I can't really put into words how . . . utterly hopeless this all seems, to try and defeat evil once and for all. There will always be evil in this world. In all shapes and forms, nothing can ever completely disappear. There will always be a trace of it left, even if I manage to destroy Voldemort and live to tell the tale, he'll still live on in the hearts of his darkest followers. His malice will linger. It's so awful to think that all the efforts of the people in this world who are truly good, truly light will be in vain. People like Dumbledore don't seem to realize that they can't 'win', no one can win. 

Yeah I go on about how we will never be rid of evil but that doesn't mean we will be rid of good. Just as malice lingers in the hearts of those who thrive on hurt and pain good prospers in the hearts of those who strive to bring peace and love into this dark place. As long as ordinary people have hope that good can win out over evil, as fruitless as that is, then the light of love will prosper. I myself have all but given up on the hope that good will triumph, seeing as I am the hope of the light side, but many many others have such a strong hope in me it's hard to feel the way I do. Sometimes, something inside of me will stir up and I will start to believe that there _is_ good in this world and it's so strong, as small as it may be that it is worth fighting for, worth saving. And that there, that is my source of light in a place where light is so very scarce.

-Harry

**A/N: Right well, that was . . . really hard to write. I bet it comes off all odd too. It's not as emotional as I wanted it to be but hey! Beggars can't be choosers! Umm the song Lyrics are by Stabbing Westward so no I don't own them, I'm not that talented. Right well, Please review, it'll make me happy and want to update ASAP. And remember; you guys rock my socks! **

**I STILL NEED A BETA! ANYONE WANNA BE IT? LET ME KNOW IN A REIEW OR WHATEVER. Heck, it means you can read new chapters before anyone else if that means something! Merci beaucoup for listening. **


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